


take this sinking boat, and point it home

by of_feathers_and_bowstrings



Series: so close (yet still so far) [3]
Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet, Confessions, Fluff, M/M, Mutual Pining, PyeongChang 2018 Winter Olympics, Romance, Sexual Tension, Smut, Swanyu
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-19
Updated: 2019-10-19
Packaged: 2020-12-24 01:53:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21091427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/of_feathers_and_bowstrings/pseuds/of_feathers_and_bowstrings
Summary: “Javi,” The sound of his name sends a jolt up his spine. He snaps his head up and looks at Yuzu.“Yes?”“Um,” Yuzu ducks his head, wet bangs falling into his eyes as he steps closer, teeth biting down into his bottom lip, “can you help me?”It takes a moment for Javi’s brain to process what Yuzu is asking. He gets the message when Yuzu turns, showing his back to him, gesturing at his zipper.Oh.





	take this sinking boat, and point it home

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ForeverDoesntExist](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ForeverDoesntExist/gifts), [mybigfatcat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mybigfatcat/gifts).

> Hello, everyone. This was meant to be a short little thing but turned into a whole big thing like most of my fics do. But I hope you enjoy it anyway! :) 
> 
> This one's goes out to the lovely folk on discord and especially to ForeverDoesntExist and mybigfatcat! 
> 
> Title taken from the song Falling Slowly by The Frames.

An Olympic Bronze Medalist.

It still feels a little surreal, even though Javi’s had some time for it to sink in. Even with all the press conferences back home in Spain, all the congratulations, it still doesn’t feel quite real. Even as Yuzu reaches behind his back to grasp his hands. Javi curls his fingers around Yuzu’s, feels a pleasant thrum of energy race through his veins. A typical feeling he experiences any time he touches Yuzu. A symptom. It makes him a bit queasy knowing this may be the last time they’ll have this. The last time that he’ll ever feel this. 

Javi is certain about retirement. It’s time. But that doesn’t mean leaving is easy, especially leaving Yuzu.

The skaters all gather in the middle of the ice for the final group selfie. Javi feels like he’s floating away. But, there is a light anchoring him to this moment in the form of a very smily, very vibrant Yuzu being lifted above the crowd. Javi chances a glance and feel something settle in his stomach. 

They’ll never have this again. 

That’s perhaps the most loudest thought in Javi’s mind. It’s been bouncing off the walls in his skull even as he went through all his media obligations, even as they ran through their programs during gala practices, even now. It’s always been an inevitable that their paths would part eventually. That’s just how life is despite how much Javi wishes it were not so. He sucked it up, though, smiled through it and cherished every single stolen moment between them. 

Still, he cannot ease the dull ache in his chest. He cannot stop the steadily rising fear and dread pooling in his gut, rapidly. He supposes it’s natural to feel this way. How does one simply let go something that’s been a part of their life for so long? How does one let go of _someone _that’s grown to be an essential, integral part of themself? 

Javi likens it to tearing a limb off. At least, that’s how it feels and he hasn’t even left, yet.

Javi ends up being last one in the locker room. He doesn’t know why he’s lingered this long. Or well, no, that’s a lie. He does know. The reason comes walking through the door as Javi’s tugging on his Spain jacket. The clacking of Yuzu’s skates against the tiled floor echo throughout the empty locker room. He smiles at Javi, tiredly and Javi nods at him back. Yuzu’s dripping in sweat, his hair plastered to his face, and his cheeks are pleasantly flushed as they always are after he skates.

Yuzu looks beautiful like this. All dressed up in his gorgeous swan costume. Javi’s always admired how well Yuzu could pull off such a look. He loves the way the costume accentuates Yuzu’s tiny waist, the way it drapes off Yuzu’s shoulders, makes them wider. He loves the daring low-cut in the back, covered only thinly by light illusion mesh. Javi finds himself wishing there was none.

“Finally done with the press?” Javi asks, a little too loudly, as he tries to drown out the sound of his thundering heartbeat.

Another symptom where Yuzu is concerned. Especially when he looks like this.

“Yes. Very tired.”

Yuzu rolls his little silver suitcase over to one of the benches. He opens it up and starts rummaging inside of it for his toiletries bag. Javi’s eyes remain glued to him. They travel down the sinuous dip in Yuzu’s spine to the full curve of his ass. Javi curls his hands into fists. His nails bite into his palms and he snaps out of it.

It’s certainly not the first time he’s ever found himself unable to look away from Yuzu. The attraction has always been there, since the beginning. He knows it’s mutual. He knows just by the way Yuzu looks at him that he feels the same, too. But Yuzu has set clear boundaries between them. The best thing to do now is walk away and—

“Javi,” the sound of his name sends a jolt up his spine. He snaps his head up to look at Yuzu.

“Yes?”

“Um,” Yuzu ducks his head, wet bangs falling into his eyes as he steps closer, teeth worrying his bottom lip, “can you help me?”

It takes a moment for Javi’s brain to process what Yuzu is asking. He gets the message when Yuzu turns, showing his back to him, gesturing at his zipper.

_Oh_.

Javi swallows, thickly. It’s such an innocent request and yet Javi feels like he’s carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. 

“I would take off myself but very sticky and cannot get off,” Yuzu mutters.

“Sure.”

Javi steps forward and places one hand on Yuzu’s shoulder, the other reaching for the small zipper. He feels the heat of Yuzu’s skin beneath his palm. Javi inhales deeply before tugging the zipper, slowly releasing his breath as he goes. The more of Yuzu’s back that’s revealed, the more difficult Javi finds it to breathe. The temptation is too great and Javi presses his thumbs against the dimples in Yuzu’s lower back.

Yuzu gasps, hands shooting out to brace himself against the lockers. Javi feels something snap inside him. Reality grows a little fuzzy at the edges and Javi hears his pulse ringing in his ears, drowning everything else out. Suddenly, all his senses are zoned in on this beautiful boy before him. He leans in to breathe him in. It’s always been a pleasant surprise to Javi that Yuzu doesn’t really seem to carry much of an odor. If anything, it’s faint, subtle, something a little sweet.

Javi wants to devour him. 

The moment his lips touch Yuzu’s skin, the rest of the world immediately ceases to exist. Nothing else matters outside of what’s happening right now. Javi starts at the back of Yuzu’s neck, nibbles lightly at the skin there. Beneath his fingers, Javi feels Yuzu begin to shake. It sends an absolute thrill up his spine, turns his blood molten. Slowly, he works his way down, pressing delicate kisses to each individual vertebrae. Yuzu whimpers as Javi digs his fingers into his covered waist.

Javi nuzzles his nose against Yuzu’s tailbone, kisses the top of Yuzu’s ass cheeks. He stands, buries his fingers in Yuzu’s hair and tugs, slightly. Yuzu moans as Javi litters his neck with a series of wet kisses. Javi wraps his free arm around Yuzu’s waist, dragging him close against him. He growls as Yuzu pushes back against him, grinding his ass against Javi’s crotch. Javi grows a little frantic, a little out of control.

He flicks his tongue against the shell of Yuzu’s ear as he yanks the sleeves of the swan costume down. His hands are all over Yuzu, on his throat, his shoulders, his chest, his tight stomach, everywhere he’s longed to touch. Yuzu leans back, reaching up to tangle his hands in Javi’s hair. Javi pulls Yuzu’s hands off and starts his trek back down Yuzu’s body, biting as he goes, almost possessively.

Javi manages to get the pants off, revealing Yuzu’s gorgeously toned legs. He pulls at Yuzu’s dance belt, snaps is back into place and causes Yuzu to yelp. Javi chuckles against him as he trails his lips down the backs of Yuzu’s legs.

“Javi,” Yuzu whispers, brokenly and suddenly reality bleeds back into focus. They can’t be doing this. 

Javi places one last kiss against Yuzu’s spine and forces himself to pull away, as painful and difficult as it is. Yuzu turns around, looking dazed. His pupils are blown wide. It takes everything in Javi not to shove Yuzu back against the lockers and kiss him senseless. This is the first time Yuzu’s ever allowed anything like this between them. This is the first time he’s ever let his guard down to this extent. And if Javi was about a couple years younger, a little more selfish, he’d give into this burning, almost instinctive, desire inside of him begging him to take Yuzu apart. 

Instead, Javi leans forward to press a lingering kiss to Yuzu’s forehead. Yuzu’s hands come up to grasp his sleeves. A kiss against the tip of his cute pink nose, his soft cheeks, and the fading scar on his chin. Javi takes Yuzu’s hands in his, loosens Yuzu’s death grip on him and brushes his lips against his knuckles. Yuzu looks like he’s starting to come down. The fog that was present in his eyes just moments before clears up and his face colors a bright red. 

“I-I’m sorry,” Yuzu says, softly, lowering his eyes. 

“Hey,” Javi slots his fingers beneath Yuzu’s chin to tilt his head up, “it’s okay. I’m sorry I got carried away.”

Yuzu bites his lip, lowers his gaze once more as he leans forward to rest his head against Javi’s chest. “Javi, I—“

“I know, Yuzu, I know.” Javi smiles sadly, combing his fingers through Yuzu’s hair. “We can’t.”

They stand there for a few moments, a quiet, stolen moment between them, just breathing each other in. Then Javi’s pulling away. He cups Yuzu’s face, flashes him a charming smile before nodding towards the showers. “You should shower and stuff. I’ll see you later.”

Yuzu nods, saying nothing more as he gathers his things and scurries off to the showers. Javi lingers for a second longer and then he leaves. It’s only then that everything comes crashing down, an accumulation of _years _of pining and repressing. It hits him like a truck. He’s grateful then, that no one important is around as he makes his way to the shuttle. It’d be awfully embarrassing for anyone to see the Olympic Bronze Medalist cry. 

\--------

Javi feels like his heart weighs a ton as he lounges in his room. Some Korean drama is playing on the television. He stopped trying to understand the plot about ten minutes into the show. Now, he’s just sort of staring, eyes a little red and puffy. It’s certainly not the first time he’s ever cried about Yuzu, sadly. With Yuzu, the wound never really fully heals. It’s a wound that is constantly being ripped open again and again. 

It feels worse this time, like he’s been physically torn apart and left to bleed out. It’s not Yuzu’s fault. Javi’s made his choices, too. Perhaps there was a time he was deluded into thinking they were a possibility before, that there was some sliver of chance that it could happen. If Javi tried hard enough. But there are some things in life that don’t work out no matter how hard you try for it. Unfortunately, that is the reality that exists for them. 

Javi chokes back a sob, hugs his pillow tighter against his chest. He startles as a timid knock comes to the door. He frowns. He's not expecting any visitors tonight. He wipes his face with the sleeves of his sweater, hoping he doesn’t look as terrible as he feels. He’s surprised when he finds Yuzu standing at his doorstep. He looks like he’s been crying, too. His eyes are still glimmering with tears, the way they’d been all throughout the flower ceremony. 

“Yuzu?” Javi winces at how rough his voice sounds. 

“Can I come in?”

“Um, yeah, sure.” 

Javi steps aside to let Yuzu in. Yuzu is uncharacteristically quiet as he stands in the middle of the room, eyes on the television but not really watching. Javi goes to sit on the couch and gestures for Yuzu to take a seat. Yuzu nods before sitting next to him. 

“Did you need something?” Javi asks. 

“I—“ Yuzu clears his throat, “I’ve been thinking a lot lately.”

“About?”

“You. Us.”

“Oh.”

“I haven’t been very fair to you, Javi. I have been so selfish.” Yuzu shakes his head, tears already beginning to roll down his cheeks. “I am so sorry.”

“Hey, no.” Javi reaches out to him immediately. He takes Yuzu’s face in his hands, gently. “It’s not your fault.”

“But it is! I know how Javi feel. I have known for so long but I cannot recip—reci—“ Yuzu struggles to get the words out, “I cannot give back. I always take from Javi but never give back.”

“That’s not true. You always give back. In the way you smile, in the way you laugh, and indulge me even though I know it hurts you.”

“But—“

“No ‘buts,’” Javi caresses his thumbs against Yuzu’s cheeks, wiping at his trail of tears. “I understand, Yuzu. You can’t. It’s okay.”

“That’s what I have been thinking about, too.” 

“What have you been thinking?”

Yuzu grabs Javi’s wrists and tilts his head to kiss at the insides of them. Javi’s pulse jumps at the action. “I always try to ignore feelings. Before Olympics, I thought it would be best if I throw it all away. I say in interview that I threw away happiness for gold medal. It is true. I threw you away.”

Javi winces. The months leading up to the Olympics weren’t exactly kind. Yuzu was tense, distant, and as cold as the ice they skated on. Javi ignored how much it hurt to be shut out like that but he understood. Injuries have always been difficult to work through, especially ones that potentially jeopardize an entire career. He’d been a little bitter, yes, but he understood. It’s a lot hearing this from Yuzu now.

“I threw so much happiness away for this Olympics. It is selfish and I am still selfish.” 

“Why do you think you’re being selfish now?”

“Because, all day, I can’t stop thinking that I want Javi.” 

_“What?”_

“I know I can’t stop you from leaving. I know that it is not possible to stay together as we are now. But I have fought feelings for so long, I feel very tired. Now, all I can think about is you.”

Javi’s lips part and he’s certain he looks like a gaping fish. But he’s at a loss for words because this is the first time Yuzu’s has ever confessed like this. It’s one thing to know it’s there without it being spoken, to feel it with every glance and fleeting touch, but another thing to have it verbally confirmed. Javi feels shaken to the core. But he also feels something bloom in his chest. 

“After what happened in locker room, I thought…” Yuzu trails off, loosening his hold on Javi’s wrists and instead anxiously picking at his nails. “Maybe I am wrong? Maybe it was just—how do you say? Heat of moment?”

Javi is still rendered speechless, his fried braincells trying to make a valiant effort of processing what is happening here. His lack of responses causes Yuzu to dim significantly. His shoulders slump and his eyes don’t look nearly as bright as they did a couple of hours ago. 

“Sorry, I am being stupid, I know. Maybe should not have said anything.” Yuzu sits up, bowing repeatedly while mumbling something about overstepping and making Javi feel uncomfortable. “I will go now and leave Javi alone. Sorry.”

Yuzu’s about halfway to the door when Javi finally stops short circuiting. He quickly moves to grab Yuzu’s hand, stopping him just as he’s about to reach for the door handle. Yuzu stops but doesn’t turn around. 

“Did you mean it? What you said?” Javi asks, hoarsely, “You want me?”

“Yes.”

Yuzu might as well have shot an arrow through his heart. Javi’s eyes fall shut as he takes a moment to revel in that one word. Ah, yes, he recognizes the blooming feeling now. It's hope. His eyes sting and pressure builds in his chest. His vision blurs as tears come unbidden. The dam comes crashing down and everything comes spilling out. 

“Look at me, please,” Javi’s voice trembles. Yuzu does, eyes glistening. Javi presses their foreheads together, intimate and close. “I want to tell you something. Please, don’t run away.”

Yuzu nods, slowly.

Javi moves closer. His lips brush lightly against Yuzu’s as he whispers, “I love you." 

Yuzu’s gasps just as Javi finally closes the distance between them. Javi’s legs nearly give out from under him as he kisses Yuzu more firmly, kissing him the way he’s wanted to for long. It takes more coaxing before Yuzu joins in, moving his mouth against Javi’s in a way that's just this side of clumsy, so in contrast to the way Yuzu carries himself on the ice. Javi laughs against him, moving them backwards until Yuzu’s back is against the wall. 

The leisurely pace turns a bit frantic as their lips meet eagerly again and again. Right now, in this moment, nothing else matters. No retirements, impending separation, or tearful goodbyes. It's just them. 

Javi moves his hands down to Yuzu’s thighs, squeezing the muscle there. Yuzu breaks the kiss to moan. He throws his head back and it gives Javi the opportunity to lave wet kisses against Yuzu’s neck. He sucks at the skin there, gently, careful not to leave a mark like he wants to. Yuzu pulls him back to resume kissing him. Yuzu starts pushing him and Javi walks backwards until the backs of legs meet the bed where Javi let’s himself fall back into, taking Yuzu with him. 

They’re tangled in heap of limbs, tongues, and lips as they shuffle up the bed. It’s a little awkward, a little clumsy, the way they rut against each other, tugging at each other’s clothes. Javi’s head is swimming and he feels completely lost in everything that is Yuzu. He feels like he’s been taken under, helpless against Yuzu’s currents that both push and pull him. 

Yuzu giggles as Javi yanks his shirt off. Javi smiles warmly in return. Reaching up to cup Yuzu’s cheek, shivering at the heat he feels beneath his palm. Yuzu takes his other hand to place over his heart. Things slow down a little then as Javi just stares at Yuzu. 

“I honestly don’t know what’s going to happen next or what our future holds for us but,” Javi moves his hand and leans down to kiss his chest, right over his heart, “right now, all I can tell you is that I love you. So much.”

Yuzu inhales sharply. Javi looks up and sees Yuzu shut his eyes, tightly. When he opens them again, he finds the same sort of burning passion and intensity in them that’s usually reserved for the ice. It causes Javi’s chest to tighten. Yuzu frames Javi’s face in his own hands, moving in to kiss him once…twice. He laces their fingers together and squeezes, “I love you, too.”

A huge smile splits across Javi’s face. He can’t help himself and kisses Yuzu again and again and again. They undress each other with shaky hands, kisses gradually growing deeper. Javi reaches blindly at his bedside table, moaning as Yuzu nips at his bottom lip. Finally, he manages to pull out the small tube of lube from the drawer. 

“Okay?” Javi pauses a moment, checking in to make sure this is okay, that Yuzu is comfortable. 

Yuzu smiles. “Okay.”

Javi uncaps the lube and squirts some on his fingers. He wraps his hand around both of them, causing them both to gasp. Yuzu whimpers, hips jerking upward, uncontrollably. They keep kissing as Javi strokes them together, slowly at first, setting a steady rhythm. All the while Yuzu makes the most lovely noises, so breathy and needy. 

Yuzu moves against him, moaning with every thrust. Javi wraps an arm around Yuzu’s waist, pulling him closer as he rocks together with him. Yuzu clutches onto Javi tighter, voice pitching higher and higher as they move faster and faster. It’s the most incredible thing to watch Yuzu in this moment, completely uninhibited, wild, and beautiful. His head is thrown back, mouth parted open, sweat glistening on his smooth, pale skin, hard cock pressed deliciously against Javi’s.Javi’s never seen anything so perfect. 

“Javi!” Yuzu whines, tears gathering at the corners of his eyes. 

“I got you,” Javi nuzzles his nose against Yuzu’s collar bone. He reaches back to tangle his fingers in Yuzu's hair. Yuzu lifts his head, locking eyes with him, “it’s okay. Let go, Yuzu." 

Yuzu’s mouth parts in a silent scream as his cock swells in Javi’s hand before he goes completely rigid. Javi continues to stroke him quickly, whispering sweetly in his ear. “So good, Yuzu. So good. That’s it.”

Soon, Yuzu is spilling all over their abdomens. Javi follows shortly after, giving them both a feel extra strokes. Yuzu holds Javi tightly as they come down from their high. They sit like that, trying to catch their breath. Javi kisses wherever he can reach, lazily. 

“You okay?” Yuzu asks, shakily, still a little out of breath.

Javi chuckles.

“I’m okay. Are _you _okay?’

“Perfect.”

“Yeah?”

“Mmm,” Yuzu kisses Javi’s temple, “I feel happy.”

“I do, too.”

Eventually, they manage to get themselves into the bathroom for a quick shower. Javi lends Yuzu some clothes and they curl up against each other beneath the covers.There are a million things they still need to talk about. But that can wait for the morning. The future is still murky but Javi thinks he can see the light. Javi’s got plans for figure skating in Spain and Yuzu’s still got big plans that will no doubt change figure skating like he always does.

Perhaps separation is inevitable and their paths will part for some time. But Javi knows now that it isn’t forever. Perhaps once they’re done playing their roles, reunion will come. Javi has always been a big dreamer, has always been one to reach for the supposed unreachable star. He has faith in them that perhaps one day, they will find their way back to each other. Just like they always do. 


End file.
